“Why Can’t I Let It Go?” When Trivial Arguments Trigger Strong Emotions
I remember the first fight I had with my husband. I had baked a batch of cookies, and after he tasted one, I asked, "How do you like it?" He replied, "Oh, it's kind of mushy."
Taken aback, I corrected him, "They're supposed to be chewy." He responded, "I said mushy, not chewy." I started to feel a bit upset and retorted, "Chewy, mushy, whatever, same thing." He insisted, "No, they're not the same thing." As he dug in his heels, trying to explain the difference, I began to withdraw, feeling criticized. He, in turn, pushed harder, feeling misunderstood.
We still laugh about this fight sometimes. One of us will be eating something, and the other will jokingly say, "Oh, it's chewy." The other will counter, "No, actually mushy," and we'll laugh at the triviality of arguing over something so insignificant.
In my work as a therapist, I hear many versions of this story:
“I don’t know why I feel so upset about this; it seems so insignificant.”
“I know it doesn’t really matter, but I just can’t let it go.”
“Looking back, my reaction seems so disproportionate to the situation.”
“We were planning to have a good time together, but we spent the entire time arguing about nothing.”
Why do couples fight about seemingly trivial things? And why do these conflicts often spiral beyond control?
Small Issues Can Trigger Big Emotions
Below is an overview of three underlying dynamics that give simple interactions such deep emotional meaning.
1. Unmet Needs
Anger and resentment are both expressions of unmet needs. When we fight about something seemingly insignificant, there's an unexpressed need beneath the surface. This might be an external need for help with housework, childcare or other shared responsibilities. Or it might be an internal need for acceptance, love, appreciation, or respect. The fight is then a distorted way of saying, “I am struggling. I want you to see me, to help me, to carry this weight together with me”.
Expressing needs feels vulnerable. We might have internalized cultural expectations that women must be mild-mannered and selfless or that men must be strong and independent. We may have been taught that having needs is selfish or weak. This can make us afraid of imposing on others or asking for help. Then, instead of openly communicating our needs, we argue about “the truth” or what our partner “should know.”
When you find a simple interaction escalating, ask yourself, "What do I need in this moment?"
Then, communicate it in a sentence beginning with "I" rather than "you." Instead of saying, "You should do the housework," or "You should know this," or "You should help out more," try expressing your feelings and needs directly: "I really need help; I can't do it alone," or "I feel resentful when all the this falls on me," or "I need you to hear me and see me." By doing this, our perspectives become a way of sharing something of ourselves rather than criticizing or controlling the other person.
2. Relational Undertones
Beyond individual needs, every interaction carries a relational undertone. This undertone defines the roles we play in relation to one another: Are we teachers, mentors, friends, colleagues, lovers, or something else? Do we see ourselves as dominant or subservient, allies or adversaries? Do we feel appreciated or rejected? Understood or alone?
These relational dynamics trigger our innate needs for attachment and connection, both of which are essential for survival. When our relationship feels threatened, otherwise innocuous interactions become heavily charged. In this sense, arguments often mask much larger questions: Am I safe with you? Can I trust you? Do you love and accept me for who I am? Can I depend on you?
When the overall tone of our relationship is positive, we feel connected and safe, making small disagreements less likely to escalate into major arguments. In this sense, the content of an argument often matters less than the process of the interaction. We’re not just debating whether the cookies are chewy or mushy; we’re negotiating our roles and connection to one another. Who am I to you, who are you to me, and are we here for one another?
Research by John Gottman and Julie Gottman has shown that the ratio of positive to negative interactions determines whether a relationship can withstand conflict. While it’s not about counting each positive and negative interaction, it’s about sensing the overall relational tone. If you feel like you're spiraling into negativity—disliking or feeling chronic resentment or anger toward your partner—that's a sign that some form of reparation is needed.
3. Personal Histories
Beneath both individual needs and relational undertones lies the weight of our past experiences.
Our history shapes our needs, the intensity of those needs, and our reactions when they are unmet. For instance, if my childhood was defined by gender norms in which women had no space to cultivate ambitions outside the home, I may feel diminished and stifled when I need help with household tasks. If my feelings were invalidated and dismissed throughout my life, I might become furious or depressed when a partner fails to acknowledge a feeling I express.
Our histories also shape the roles we play in a relationship, how we feel about those roles, what we are willing to tolerate, and the degree to which we can trust another person. For example, if I was taught to obey without question, any attempt by my partner to express their opinion might feel like an imposition, triggering a reaction based on past experiences of being controlled. If I grew up feeling unsupported, a partner's perceived lack of support might feel like a repetition of past loneliness. In this sense, a partner’s behavior may remind us of a dominant or neglectful parent, a childhood bully, or an abusive ex.
When an argument feels overly charged, it's helpful to ask ourselves: Where have I felt this feeling before? Who does this situation remind me of? Understanding the historical context can help us recognize why a seemingly innocuous interaction feels so heavy.
“Fights” Can Bring Couples Closer
When we become triggered by seemingly trivial arguments, we often respond by becoming more rigid in our stance, trying to get the other person to agree with us, and focusing outward. Instead, we can turn our attention inward and ask ourselves: What do I need? What am I feeling about this relationship? What in my past does this resemble?
By doing this, we can communicate from a place of vulnerability and without blame. Conversations become less about establishing an objective truth and more about uncovering and sharing the deeper parts of ourselves and of each other. Trivial arguments become pathways to greater intimacy and connection, allowing us to bring more of our multifaceted internal selves into the relationship.
Reaching out for support is a sign of strength.
If you’re interested in learning more about couples therapy, individual psychotherapy, psychoanalysis or other therapy services, please contact us by submitting this form, or by phone at 847-729-3034. We’ll be happy to answer any questions you might have.
