Why Teens Are Compelled to Rebel—and What You Can Do About It
Teen behavior can often seem alarming—especially to parents and others close to them—and is one of the leading causes of conflict between parents and their adolescent children. While the teen in your life is still the same child you’ve raised, they may appear as a stranger to you as they enter their teen years: “Where did my little Missy (who now insists on being called Melissa) go?”
If you are a parent of a teen or even someone who is in close proximity to one, you may find yourself wondering, “Was I that angry? Did I rebel like that against my parents too?” Chances are you were, and you did.
Activities like underage drinking, smoking, slipping grades, and expressions of anger towards parents and adult authority figures are just a handful of behaviors typically exhibited by adolescents. Have they turned into monsters? While it might appear that way, the answer is no.
As overwhelming as it may be to witness–and manage–these mood swings and unpredictable actions take comfort in knowing that some degree of rebellion is “normal and expected” during this developmental phase and is in fact an important part of this phase.
Why Do Teens Act Out?
Adolescence is the bridge between childhood and adulthood. Some teens cross that bridge with ease, while others find it more of a challenge. Usually, it’s a blend of both, often varying from one day to the next—or even one hour to the next! Teens are trying to develop their self-identity and it is important to help them understand their value lies in who they are not in what they do so they can sort out the difference between an image and identity.
Several reasons compel teens to rebel during this transition. Here are a few:
Desire to become independent
Teens are often caught between two worlds; they can be viewed as children that still need strong guidance yet also have the weight of adult expectations placed on them that can leave them feeling resentful. Teens and young adults want to make their own decisions, and when parents question those choices, it can feel like an attack that leads to an explosive response. They are also processing the rules you set in a new way and struggling to understand the reasons/logic behind the things that curtail their freedom. The things that are “popular” or “cool” for their generation might be disapproved of by you, the parent.
Sometimes what a teen is looking for is just space; parents may confuse the need for space with rebellion.
Struggle for acceptance
Teenagers can be heavily influenced by their peers. They desperately want to fit in and “be like everyone else”. They face the pressure of doing what they think everyone else is doing and even risk losing their individuality in order to feel like a part of the crowd.
Seeking attention
Teens like it when people notice their actions, lifestyle or appearance. Most of them love to get attention and may go to great lengths to get it! If they aren’t getting enough attention from their parents they may start to seek it from the wrong people. These people may send them down the wrong path.
Risk-taking
Due to the extensive changes that teens go through physically and hormonally, they tend to engage in risky behavior. This behavior can also be a way for teens to fight for acceptance among their peers or get the attention that they crave. This experimentation can also allow them to push boundaries and learn from their mistakes by accepting consequences.
Brain growth
Researchers note that our brains are not fully developed until our mid-20s. Immature neural structure combined with the constant changes the brain is going through impacts their decision-making.
Teens' brains develop emotionally before the frontal lobe, responsible for judgment and decision-making, becomes fully formed. This can lead to seemingly disproportionate reactions and extremely poor choices.
Hormonal changes
A mixture of hormones pumping through a teenager’s body can cause a drastic change in the thought process. For example, boys produce tens times more testosterone during their teen years than they had before. Sex hormones have a significant impact on brain functions and may affect essential neurotransmitters leading to problems with mood demeanor.
As teens mature, their survival comes less from parental support and more from peers and the relationships in the community they make. Through the process of individuation, teens strive to be recognized as separate from their parents. While this can be a difficult pill for parents to swallow, this is a critical part of their journey. Researchers have found that teens' brains actually activate more to the sight of their friends vs. the sight of their parents, meaning that this separation is more than just teenage tradition; it is hardwired.
Related post: Teens and Transition: How to Help Your Adolescent Navigate Change
Cultivating a Healthy Relationship with Your Teen
While it might be hard to recognize when you’re in the thick of dealing with a rebellious teen, rebellion can actually have several positive effects during this critical stage in their development. Rebellion can:
Help teens express their opinion to parents: The fact that teens want to understand the rules that you set instead of just following them means you can have some mature conversations with your teen.
Cultivate independence: Not only can their independence be helpful to parents, but the reality is by adolescence, you only have about 3 or 4 years left to help them learn how to navigate the world on their own and make decisions for themselves without the safety net you provide. This is the training ground for them to learn that the real world has natural consequences for bad decisions; like if you don’t wake up on time and get to work you will lose your job! If they don’t rebel they would never have a chance to learn from their own mistakes.
Boost their self-confidence: Sometimes a bit of rebellion is what a teen needs to develop a strong sense of self and be more assertive and confident.
While this need to separate by rebelling is normal, it’s not always easy on you, the parent. And it is the negative rebellion that you need to deal with. How can you maintain a bond with your child and provide the guidance and support they need?
Stay calm if at all possible! Try to use a calm voice to ask what’s on their mind.
Set appropriate limits. Punishments do not work with teens like they do with young children. The goal is to teach them how to make good choices for themselves when you are no longer around all the time.
Put yourself in their shoes. You were a teenager at one point! Try to think about everything they are going through and it might help you find the right words.
Discuss rules and boundaries. Talk about your intent with teens, don’t just blindly dictate what children should be doing i.e. “my house, my rules”. Discussing rules and the intent behind them with teens allows them to feel like they have some control in their lives and helps them understand why these rules are in place and help them understand the consequences that can occur for making bad decisions. And as stated above it can lead to some really good conversations.
Find a win-win solution where possible. Discussing the rules and limits doesn’t mean you have to bend to your teen’s demands. Try to find a solution that works for both of you and don’t be too proud to compromise a little.
Support; don’t shame. Cut down on the authoritarian phrases like I’m the parent! A combination of nonchalant language and a calm tone can do wonders.
Allow teens to come to you with questions, mistakes, and more without passing judgment on their choices or their friend's actions in a way that promotes secret keeping. Some parents inadvertently teach their teens to lie to them by being so reactive and judgmental about anything they say or do.
Show them the unconditional love that makes them feel secure that you will still be there regardless of their mistakes.
Model healthy relationships and positive choices for them.
In most cases, parents are afraid of teen rebellion because they fail to understand the reasons for it and/or feel they cannot handle it well. Teens do not rebel for no reason. Often, they feel that they are just standing up for their own beliefs and ideas. Even when they rebel in an effort to be more independent, make impulsive decisions or belong to a peer group, a teen’s rebellion also shows that they have the self-confidence to express themselves, which will be a very important skill throughout their life!
As a parent, being impatient and defensive or too “authoritative” will not solve the problem. To manage a teenager’s rebellion, parents need to stay calm, treat their teenager with respect, and try to understand their point of view before making faulty assumptions or rushing to impose consequences.
While they may seem disguised as a stranger in your home, keep in mind that this is your child, engaging in a normal developmental phase. Teen rebellion doesn’t have to tear apart your relationship; in fact, when handled carefully, it can forge an even deeper bond as you navigate this bridge to their adulthood together.
It’s OK to ask for help.
If you’re interested in learning more about psychotherapy for your adolescent — or parenting support for yourself — please contact us through this online form or call us at 847-729-3034. We’ll be happy to answer any questions you might have.
