Stuck in Negative Thought Patterns? Mindfulness Can Help You Break Free
Do you live with deep regrets? Do you anticipate the worst? Do you doubt yourself? Are you your own harshest critic? Do you get stuck in a cycle of rumination and negative self-talk?
If you answered “yes” to any of these questions, you are not alone. The human mind is designed to seek out danger so we can protect ourselves from it. Negative thoughts alert us to potential social rejection, failure, isolation, and physical harm.
However, when negative thoughts become chronic, they can create a cycle of limited, self-defeating beliefs that are hard to shake.
If left unchecked, this cycle can lead to chronic stress, low self-esteem, anxiety, and depression.
Many of us want to shift our negative thoughts, but don’t know how. In fact, attempts to “fix” or rid ourselves of negative thoughts often only make them worse.
There are three negative thought traps that keep us feeling stuck: We believe our thoughts, we fight our thoughts, and we distract ourselves from our thoughts.
Once we recognize these traps, we can begin to address them. We can create healthy thought patterns and find peace within ourselves.
First, let’s take a deeper look at each of the three thought traps.
Trap #1: We believe our thoughts.
Instinctively, we are conditioned to believe our thoughts are true. After all, thoughts allow us to make sense of the world around us.
Thoughts can reflect deeply held beliefs formed from messages we received as children—from parents, other primary caretakers, teachers, society, and peers. These are then backed by years of life experience since thoughts create self-fulfilling prophesies.
However, although thoughts are adaptive, they are often inaccurate or outdated.
When we believe our thoughts non-discriminately, they have an immediate effect on how we feel. Here are some examples:
Thoughts: You aren’t good enough.
Me: I feel inadequate.
Thoughts: You made a bad mistake.
Me: I’m so ashamed.
Thoughts: Something terrible is about to happen.
Me: I’m scared.
Thoughts: That person really doesn't like you.
Me: I feel rejected.
Thoughts: They shouldn’t have done that!
Me: I am angry!
Thoughts: Why is this taking so long?!
Me: This is so frustrating!
When we believe our thoughts, our minds search for “evidence” that they are true. This reflex becomes problematic when our thoughts are predominantly negative; to “prove” them, we may unwittingly engage in self-sabotaging behaviors.
Believing every thought that runs through our minds gets us stuck because thoughts can say nasty things, or things that aren’t true, or things that are true but are not what we need to hear in the moment.
Trap #2: We fight our thoughts.
When thoughts cause us pain, we may be inclined to suppress or argue with them. This tendency is typically a response to the negative impact of believing every thought.
When we experience the limitations caused by negative thought patterns, it’s only natural to see our minds as “the enemy.” We may try to fight our thoughts — albeit with a low chance of success.
Here is a hypothetical argument I might have with my thoughts:
Thoughts: You aren’t good enough.
Me: Yes, I am. I can think of at least three good things I’ve done in my lifetime.
Thoughts: You didn’t do all that great a job of those.
Me: But so and so said I did well.
Thoughts: And you believe them? Even if you did do a good job at those things, that’s only good luck. You’ve made so many other mistakes.
Arguing with thoughts gets us stuck because thoughts are stubborn and persistent. And when we argue with our thoughts, they argue back.
Even if I do manage to win an argument with my thoughts and determine that, logically speaking, I have every reason to feel happy, grateful, and confident, this knowledge won't necessarily translate to the way I feel.
Trap #3: We distract ourselves from our thoughts.
A common way to manage negative thoughts is to avoid them altogether. There are many ways to escape thoughts, including through fantasy or mindless tasks. This is not a conscious, purpose-driven choice, but an instinctive inclination to avoid the unpleasant. But when we avoid our thoughts, we’re unable to address them.
Here’s how this looks:
Thoughts: You aren’t good enough/ Something bad is going to happen/ That person doesn't like you/ They shouldn’t have done that...
Me: Pull out my phone, scroll through social media, do a little online shopping, and before I know it, four hours have passed. It’s after midnight, and I start worrying about how I’ll wake up on time tomorrow morning. And all the while, underneath the distraction, I have a gnawing feeling that something isn’t right.
In summary, when we believe our thoughts, we become moody and easily discouraged. When we fight our thoughts, we lock ourselves into an internal argument we can't win. When we distract ourselves from our thoughts, we feel disconnected from the areas of our lives that matter most.
The bad news: It’s a lose-lose-lose situation.
The good news: There is a far healthier, productive, and healing way to manage our thoughts.
Mindfulness to the Rescue: Breaking Free from Negative Thought Traps
In mindfulness meditation, rather than trying to change our thoughts, we change our relationship with our thoughts.
We don't try to “think positive,” identify “cognitive distortions,” or disprove negative thinking (though these techniques are used in some forms of therapy, such as cognitive behavior therapy, and can be effective). We also don't try to stop thinking (a common misconception around meditation). Instead, we hold our thoughts in a compassionate way. We gain ownership of our thoughts, instead of being controlled by them.
What does this mean and how does it help?
The best way to understand this is through experiencing it — which is what I help clients do in therapy sessions.
For now, I will give an analogy:
For a number of years, I taught young children. One day, as I was bringing my students in from the playground, one little boy had a meltdown. He slumped onto the ground (hence the term meltdown), and began crying “I want to stay outside longer! We hardly got to play at all!”
Had I been caught up in the content of what he was saying, I may have negotiated and said, “I’ll give you another five minutes, and then it’s really time to go inside.” Or, I might have argued with him “What do you mean ‘we hardly got to play at all’?! We have already been outside for twenty minutes. We have so much we need to learn today.”
I did not take these approaches because both would only have fueled his upset — either by teaching him that if he cries and complains he’ll get more playtime, or by invalidating his feelings.
Instead, I gently held his hand and said, “You really want to play for longer.” And as I said those words, I continued walking back into school together with him. I validated his feelings, while helping him stay on task. The little boy quickly calmed down when he saw that I was calm and felt that he had been held and heard. We were able to continue with the day’s schedule as planned.
Mindfulness meditation can help us relate to our negative thoughts in the same way. Rather than believing, arguing, or distracting ourselves from our thoughts, we acknowledge them with compassion, while continuing to pursue our goals and dreams.
For example, while writing this piece, I might have the thoughts “You just made a mistake. This article will never come out well,” or “No one will relate to what I write, so why bother?”.
When I get caught up in these thoughts and begin to question whether my work is “good enough,” or worth the effort (and I will not lie, there are times when I do), my motivation wears thinner, and it becomes difficult to create.
If I were to let myself get entangled in these thought traps for an extended period of time, I might even decide to quit writing altogether (this I do not do, because I am exceptionally stubborn). When I apply the skills I’ve practiced through meditation, I simply acknowledge “I am feeling self-doubt right now.” I notice the thought, validate it, and still continue creating.
As it turns out, thoughts aren’t all that powerful when we don't lose ourselves in them.
In the moments when we have negative or self-defeating thoughts, it can be difficult to relate to them in a compassionate, non-reactive way. The formal practice of meditation strengthens this skill so that we can use it when we most need it.
There are a number of different visualizations and approaches to meditation, all of which achieve this goal. Most people resonate more with one than others. It can be helpful to try multiple forms of mindfulness, find the one that works best for you, and practice it regularly.
Mindfulness is a muscle. When you follow a guided practice daily, you will find yourself better able to use it when negative thought patterns are triggered.
You don’t have to go it alone.
If you’re interested in learning more about individual psychotherapy, adolescent psychotherapy, child psychotherapy, parenting support, psychoanalysis or couples therapy, please contact us by submitting this form, or by phone at 847-729-3034. We’ll be happy to answer any questions you might have.
